Fake Schmooze: Why ‘Boomerasking’ Can Make You Less Likeable

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Let’s say you’re grabbing coffee with a coworker and they casually ask, “What’d you do this weekend?” You respond, and without missing a beat, they launch into a long-winded retelling of their weekend. Wait a minute. Was that question actually for you, or was it just a setup for their own story?

If this kind of interaction sounds familiar, congratulations, you’ve been “boomerasked.” And if you’re squirming because you’ve done it yourself (be honest, we all have), you’re not alone.

International research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General examines this all-too-familiar conversational pivot. Like a boomerang, the question goes out but quickly swings back to the person who asked it. This study looks at why people boomerask, how it affects others, and why it might be hurting your social interactions more than you think.

What Is ‘Boomerasking’?

Boomerasking is a three-part move. First, someone asks a question. Then they wait for your answer. But instead of building on it or engaging with it, they simply answer their own question, turning the conversation back toward themselves.

The researchers outline three common versions:

• Ask-bragging: “How was your vacation?” quickly followed by, “Mine was amazing. I went to Italy for two weeks!”
• Ask-complaining: “How’s work?” followed by, “Ugh, I’ve had the worst week.”
• Ask-sharing: A neutral disclosure, like talking about a dream or a casual opinion, right after asking you about yours.

So why do people do this? The study found that most boomeraskers genuinely believe they’re being polite or thoughtful. They see asking a question first as a way to ease into self-disclosure without seeming self-absorbed. But this strategy doesn’t land the way they expect.

When the asker doesn’t respond to the other person’s answer before launching into their own, it can come across as self-serving or dismissive. What felt like a smooth conversational transition to the speaker often feels like a bait-and-switch to the listener.

Boomerasking Feels Worse Than It Looks

Across a series of experiments involving thousands of participants, the researchers found that boomerasking consistently left a bad impression, especially on the people on the receiving end.

In one of the first studies, participants were asked to recall real conversations where they had either boomerasked or been boomerasked. Most people had done both at some point. And while boomeraskers thought the interaction was pleasant, recipients reported the opposite. They found the conversations less enjoyable and more irritating, even though the boomeraskers assumed everything went fine.

This disconnect repeated itself across all the experiments: Boomeraskers believed they were coming off as likable and engaged. But recipients felt ignored, unheard, and sometimes even annoyed.

That mismatch isn’t just awkward; it undermines the social benefits of asking questions in the first place. Past research has shown that asking genuine follow-up questions makes people seem more interested, thoughtful, and likable. But boomerasking skips that part. It looks like interest but doesn’t follow through.

It’s Better to Be Direct, Even If You’re Bragging

Another surprising finding was that direct self-disclosure, without asking a question first, was actually better received than boomerasking. This held true even when the content of the disclosure wasn’t all that charming. Whether someone was bragging, complaining, or sharing a neutral tidbit, people preferred them to just come out and say it rather than dress it up with a question.

Participants were shown scripted conversations. In one version, a person simply says, “I just got a new job at Google.” In the other, the person asks, “How’s your job going?” and then says, “Cool, well I just got a job at Google.” Even though the information was the same, the second version, where the question was used as a lead-in, was rated as less sincere and less likable.

This played out across multiple topics and scenarios. Even in romantic contexts, like imagined first dates, boomeraskers were viewed as less genuine. Participants said they were less likely to want a second date with someone who boomerasked, even if the stories were identical.

In short, people seem to prefer directness, even when it involves a humblebrag, over a performance of politeness that feels insincere.

How to Avoid Boomerasking

What makes boomerasking so frustrating isn’t necessarily the content; it’s the structure. When someone asks a question, there’s an implicit promise: “I care about your answer.” When they fail to respond or follow up, that promise is broken.

According to the researchers, conversational cues matter more than people realize. Skipping the step where you engage with your partner’s answer can send the message that you weren’t really listening, and that’s what people respond negatively to.

If you’re trying to be a better conversationalist, remember these tips:

• Ask questions because you genuinely want to know the answer.
• Listen and follow up when someone responds.
• If you have something you’re excited to share, go ahead and say it. Don’t pretend it’s about them first.

There’s nothing wrong with talking about yourself. Just don’t use someone else’s answer as a springboard if you’re not actually going to acknowledge it.